


Love Is A Losing Game

by hamine2



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Established Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamine2/pseuds/hamine2
Summary: Lena Luthor has a stressful week, and ends up making a big mistake. Thankfully, Kara was right there to pick up the pieces and avoid a bigger one.(Or how Lena finally started to open up to her girlfriend about her past)





	Love Is A Losing Game

**Author's Note:**

> Well, last time I wrote something, it was Kara- centric, so now it's only fair I make a little study on Lena.  
> I just want to warn people that this fic is kinda dark - but not as much as my first one was, I think.  
> As always, feedback is welcome!  
> (Oh, and I am thinking of writing a second part to this, although I'm not entirely sure.)  
> ANYWAY, before I get carried away...  
> Enjoy!

The first thing a good business person learns how to do, it's to hide the truth.  
Once you've been around the block long enough, acting and lying become almost second nature. You have to, in order to survive. And having been raised between the hungry lions of the industry, Lena Luthor had become the greatest of liars.  
Which meant she knew the rules of the hiding game pretty well.

If your smile is friendly enough, backstabbing becomes easier. If your words are sophisticated, no one dares to search the meaning. If you make the public and the press believe you are fine, you can fall apart in private, and no one will notice. If you don't display your weaknesses, no one can bring you down.

She had played before many times, and every single one of her oponents had lost.

Well, everyone except Kara Danvers.

She couldn't lie or avoid her, the woman didn't fall for any of her tricks, neither did she buy any of her excuses. The blonde was a impossible match to win.  
All it took was a worried look from her icy eyes, and the CEO would reveal any truth she desired without the slightest hesitation.

That is why in that fateful afternoon, Lena had resigned herself to lose the game one last time, before the board was closed and she was left alone for good.  
Kara had barged in her office, as always, unannounced, rambling about how amazing the new menu of her favourite restaurant was. Her smile was warm, her face excited, but her voice was loud. Really loud. It brought the Luthor woman a guilt she never had felt before.

Her heartbeat was so frantic, it could be heard from space. She took deep breaths, and tried to compose herself. To lie one more time, and pretend nothing on top of her desk was real.

But Kara was a super; faster than she'd ever dream to be. Before the CEO could find a way out of the disaster, she saw blue eyes trail down her body, landing on the incriminating evidence in front of her.

And there it was, the second thing a good business person learns how to do. Cocaine.

Truth be told, it had been a hard week. First, she had to deal with the explosions in alien shelters all across the city, orchestrated by a few of her brother's minions. Then, a fire breaks out in one of her labs, injurying at least ten of her best scientists. Two hours later, an armed man walks into her office and tries to murder her - she had been lucky that Supergirl was around to save her. And finally, her biggest investor goes missing, only to be found dead by the side of a road. Mix all of that with more than seven different meetings per day, and she was exhausted.

She was in need of something to keep her awake, to make her feel alive again. Tiredness clashed with desperation, and soon, she crawled back to the dark corners of her mind.

She knew calling her old supplier wasn't right. But that didn't stop her fingers from dialling his phone, or using a one hundred dollar bill to paint her nostrills white.

Relapsing after so long had been terrible, sure. But seeing Kara's blank face staring back at her was way worse.

"I... I brought you lunch." The blonde left the plastic bags near the couch, and walked back to her in a flash. "Lena..."

"No... I'm..."

She couldn't even say she was sorry. Words wouldn't leave her tight throat, paralized with panic. Quietly, her head dropped, tears wetting her pale cheeks.  
Before the horrified journalist could open her mouth to scold her, she sprinted out the door, running towards the elevator.

The world around her was a blur.

Sharp noises punched the walls of her eardrums, but she didn't know where they came from. The white lights of the ceiling lamps flickered and waved, screwing with her sense of direction. The floor beneath hear seemed to be endless, an invitation for her to keep running.

She felt her pained chest compress against her ribcages, telling her that maybe, she'd gone to far with this time. Bt at the moment, she didn't care. She ran blindly towards the doors, and watched them close with sour relief.

When teachers talked about the effects of certain drugs in boarding school, Lena remembers they told her coke would make her feel happy, extremely social, almosted choked by euphoria. They didn't tell her -or anyone, for the matter- about the "other" secondary effects.

They failed to mention the paranoic anxiety and sweating, or the overwelming fear that could take over an hardcore addict.

And sure, she might have stopped using it three years ago, but her body still worked the same way. And it was a fact that while she was trying her best to recover, her addiction was out there, doing push-ups.

She felt energetic, for sure. In fact, she felt a unprecedented restlessness. But she was too afraid to move. To scared to get up. So instead of doing what the drug told her to do and move, she slid down the elevator walls after pushing a random number. She hoped she would make it to the parking lot. She hoped no one would find her like this.

The CEO was a few floors down when she felt everything shake. Before she could process what was going on, she was swept up by Kara's strong and steady arms.

She had flown down the elevator shaft. She wouldn't let her leave the building in such a bad state, she wouldn't let her do it alone.

"I'm gonna take you home, okay? We'll talk there. I've closed the office door, no one will get in. Although I couldn't stop Jess from seeing that mess, sorry." The blonde rambled nervously.

"Why..."

"Why what?"

"Why are you helping me?" The CEO asked.

"I'm not. I'm taking care of you. You need it. And don't even fight me on this, please."

She didn't. She couldn't.

The elevator doors opened, and to her luck, they were indeed on the parking lot.  
Kara knew it was best not to fly them to her place. Lena was still incredibly fidgety, and sometimes struggled against her arms. She couldn't let her fall mid-air, could she? That's why she pulled put her phone, and asked Jess to call the Luthor's driver.

The CEO thought she would be going to her empty apartment on her own that day, but to her surprise, there the blonde was, in the back seat of her black sedan, holding her shaking body between her hands.

"I'm taking you to my loft, alright?... I need to keep an eye on you." Kara whispered, her voice portraying how scared she really was. "You're gonna be okay, Lee. You're gonna be okay."

The billionaire couldn't help but wish she was right.

\---

  
The third thing a good business person learns how to do, is serious damage control.

If something goes deadly wrong, you should be able to make things right again, even if it means paying a really high price.

For Lena, the price was losing Kara's trust forever.

She had screwed up their relationship pretty badly, and she was completely aware of it. It was hard to think about it during the first hours of withdrawal, but now that her head was somewhat clearer -and resting over a fuffly pillow on the journalist's bed- she could really understand just how awful the whole situation was.

She hadn't told Kara about her multiple addictions. Yeah, the blonde had seen subtle signs of alcohol abuse now and then, and had indeed confronted her about it, but Lena never quite lowered all of her cards, never quit completely the hiding game. Not once, did she speak about her past. About her rebellious phase post-college, or about the flaming wreck she became after her brother was locked up. She simply brushed it off as a "poor coping mechanism" -which was part of the truth, anyway - and thankfully, the Kryptonian let it slide.  
But she couldn't avoid her forever. And she knew that, if she wanted Kara to stay in her life, she would have to tell everything.

That was her only way out.

"How are you feeling?" The blue eyed woman asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

The CEO looked away from the ceilling briefly and caught a small glimpse of the superhero, leaning against the bedroom door with her arms crossed, staring at her deeply worried. She was still dressed in her work attire. Her hair was loose though, and her golden waves cascaded around her face like a veil.  
Against the warm lights of the living room, she looked beautiful.

"I feel terrible."

It was an honest reply. She did feel terrible. She had destroyed any hopes her girlfriend had of a nice and healthy relationship, by lying to her through and through.

Honestly, "terrible" was a little too soft right now. "Like shit" was more accurate.

"Lena... we need to talk."

She then heard a small sigh, followed closely by footsteps.

"I know." She raised her left arm towards her face, using it to shield her sore eyes from Kara's burning gaze. "I'm scared."

"Me too." the kryptonian's voice was low, almost like a whisper.

Kara sat on the bed, by her side, and took her hand between hers. The heat spread through her cold and shaking fingers, and soon she was craving more. Like she could read her mind, the blonde quickly let her hand go, and moved her limbs around so she could climb up on the bed. She ended up hugging Lena by the waist, resting her head over her chest so she could feel her -now calmer- heartbeat.

Only then she decided to stop shielding her eyes.

"Why'd you do it?" The question popped up after a long period of silence.

"Because..." Lena took a deep breath, trying to put herself together. "Because I have a problem. I am an addict."

The cat was finally out of the bag. Her deepest secret had finally come to light.

"So this wasn't your first time? Doing what you were doing, I mean." There was no judgement in the blonde's voice, and for that she was thankful.

"No. I had done it before. I stopped using it three years ago... A little bit after I met you." She confessed, and felt the woman shifting her position so she could look at her. "And today...I relapsed. I had a stressful week... And I... I just did it."

"Why didn't you tell me you..."

"Had a problem?" she finished the sentence and saw her nod. "I was afraid... I didn't want you to look at me differently... I didn't want you to hate me... But mostly, I just couldn't bear the thought of you leaving me."

Kara seemed to take in her words, and tried to come back with a sensible response, but couldn't.

"So, basically the same reasons why I didn't told you I was supergirl?"

Lena laughed, watching the shy smile the journalist was giving her.

"When you put it that way... Yes." - she raised her hand and started playing with her golden locks of hair, still staring deeply into her eyes.

"You know I'm never leaving you, right?"

She couldn't answer. Everyone she loved had left her before. Her mother had died way too young. Lex had gone mad, and the remaing Luthors only wanted to murder her. Jack ran away to pursue his dreams, and now was dead too. The only people she had were the Arias and the Danvers, and she wasn't sure that if they knew the truth, they wouldn't leave as well.

"Are you getting help, Lee?" The blonde moved on, noticing the fear in her eyes.

"I go to NA meetings, sometimes."

"Do you have a sponsor?"

"Yes, and he actually is a big friend of mine. We weren't warm at first; my last name's to blame for that... But eventually, we got there."

"Have you called him?"

"I would, but I'm afraid he is, hm... Busy. Travelling."

"If he can't answer when you need him, maybe you need another sponsor."

"No, I'm not... I don't trust anyone else. I can't trust anyone else. I am the owner of LCorp, and if, for some reason, someone throws my problems and secrets out there into the world... My company, my image, my life would suffer."

"I understand." Kara breathed. "But why do you trust him so much? I don't mean to say this like I don't like your friend, that's not at all what I mean, I hope you know that, actually, I don't even know him, and you haven't told me his name yet..."

"He's Bruce Wayne." Lena stopped her rambling at once, feeling slightly bad about sharing that particular piece of information. It wasn't really her place to talk about his own private problems. But she did feel Kara needed to know. "He is a billionaire, he has to deal with a psychotic murderer, he lost his parents, he owns a company, he's smart, helps as much charities as he can, he has a love/hate relationship with your cousin... Change his name and turn him into a woman, and he is a more broody version of me."

"You're right, damn." The journalist lightly joked, until she realized something that startled her. "Your sponsor is Batman."

"Indeed."

"Shoot I shouldn't have said that!"

"It's a little bit too late now darling, I'm afraid the truth is out." Lena replied with a bit of sarcasm.

"So... You alredy knew he is Batman?" Kara wondered.

"Of course I did. Just like you, he doesn't really change his behaviour at all when he is in the suit. He walks the same way, moves the same way, talks the same way... It was very easy to notice. Besides..." Lena smiled at the memory. "I may or may not have slept with his cousin when I was in college. So I have a lot of insight to the Batfamily."

At that, Kara raised her head.

"You hooked up with Kate Kane?"

"Jealous?"

"A little bit, but mostly I'm impressed." she replied, a little bit amused. "Oh, wait! Going back to Wayne, that's why he "travels" a lot, right? He is busy with the whole justice league thing..."

"Yes... And I understand him, I really do. Just like I understand you, when you have to leave our dates to go save the world..."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're both doing your job. It's me the one who should be sorry. I keep holding both of you back..."

"Hey! I don't want to hear any of that nonsense again, alright? You said it yourself Lena, you have a problem. But that doesn't mean we don't love you anyway. I can't speak for Wayne, but I can for myself. You don't hold me back, you push me foward. You are an inspiration for me, Lena Luthor." Kara made her point clear by leaning foward and kissing her. "Although I do think you should call him. Or at least, try."

"Can I do that tomorrow? Please? Today... Today I just want to talk with you."

"Of course." Her tone was gentle and kind. "What do you want to talk about?"

The CEO's hand suddenly stopped moving in her hair, and then her ribcage expanded slightly, as she took in a large breath of air.

"I want to tell you about how all of this started." she began, words flooded with caution. "I'm just... I'm trying to figure out a way to tell you everything without you wanting to run away..."

"I'm not doing that." Her tone was firm, decided. "Besides, you can take you time, you don't have to tell me everthing right now. Just... Show me as much of the truth as you like, and stop thinking about what I might do or say, okay? I'll just listen to you. I'm not leaving."

"Kara... It's a lot."

"I know. I don't care. Nothing will make me go away. I won't leave unless you want me to."

"Alright." The CEO complied, absorving her girlfriend's advice. "Well, if I have to start somewhere, I guess it should be by the darkest period of my life; the Luthor household."

Kara, still laying on top of her chest, felt all of her muscles stiffen at the mention of the place.

"When my mother died, I was devastated. Strangely enough, I didn't cry, even though I was supposed to. I felt horrible on the inside, but I didn't let it show. And living in that mansion only made me feel worse. It was all so... Lonely." She could remember that place clearly. The polished floors, the upholstered walls, the giant bookshelves and desks, the heat of the fireplace. All stages for her neverending nightmares. "In the beginning, only Lionel was nice to me. So I used to stay with him in his office for hours and hours, talking and learning about paperwork. Sometimes, he would have business meetings there. I really didn't like those, but I wanted to learn more, I wanted to understand the logistics of everything. So I sat by his side through them, silently taking notes, training on how to behave well in the executive environment." Her voice shifted with sadness and anger. "One day, he said to a business partner he nedeed to use the toilet, and said he would be back in less than a minute. He returned in five."Kara could see Lena had touched cold waters when her face, already pale, reached a new shade of white. " While he was away, I was abused by that man. I was ten." She confessed, and the blonde felt her stomach drop. "I felt a pain no child should feel, and through it all, I was alone; Lillian told me what happened had been my fault, and Lionel didn't want me in his meetings anymore. I was damned to process all of my trauma on my own. That was, until Lex took me under his wing. He wasn't exactly the warmest person in the world, but he cared for me, and he protected me as we grew up. He didn't let any man touch me again." She swallowed hard, struggling to continue. "When I was old enough to work in the industry, he showed me the rules of the game I was always eager to play, and he made everything easier. He gave me the power I had been longing all along, and he made me feel useful again." She paused, eyes already filling with tears. "But it wasn't all fun and rainbows. Under the pretense of 'helping me', he walked me into the world of 'office drugs', as he used to call them. Meth, MDMA, Ephedrine... We did all of them together. He said it was what made a good business person shine, being able to handle a few hits."

"That's insane."

"Yes, it truly is... But when your entire life is dull, insanity feels great." Lena confessed, a bit ashamed. "My favourite one was, as you might have guessed, Coke. His was Ecstasy... We did them almost every night. I don't even know how we survived those years... God, we were so stupid, I was so stupid..." Her voice cracked, but she kept going. "The big problem about all of this, is that Lex had a disorder I didn't know about. Schizophrenia..."

"Wait, really?"

"Yes, really. But as I said, no one knew. He kept it a secret." She explained. "But, it turns out that when you mix drugs with a mentally unstable person, and then on top, you add all of the xenophobic beliefs that person was raised on... The end result is catastrophic." Tears now fell down her cheeks freely. "After Lex was locked up and sent to Stryker's Island, I lost my mind. I was feeling guilty, and angry, and hurt, because I could have done something to help him, and instead, I did nothing. Just like when my mother died, I just stood there and watched. I saw him destroying his life and I didn't move a single finger. He killed thirty seven people, he almost blew up a city, he tried to murder Clark - who once was his best friend- and I... I did nothing." She stopped, feeling her blood boil. "Well, that's not true either, is it?.. I did drugs. A lot of them. And when I woke up, I was at a hospital, alone."

"You overdosed?" Kara asked with a hint of sadness.

"Yes." Her reply was short, and it took her a few minutes to elaborate on the answer. "That was when I first thought of stopping. I decided then that, if I was going to get clean, I would have to leave Metropolis. And I did. I packed my bags and moved here, where I could run my company in peace, away from my old life and... "acquaintances". I started attending NA meetings. I met Bruce. I went to see a therapist. And then I met you."

Kara was dumbstruck. So many details about the CEO's life that never made sense to her now clicked together like a puzzle, and she could see clearly the bigger picture.

"I am so proud of you, Lena. You have no idea of how much."

"But I relapsed. You should be kicking me out of here...-"

"-Never." The Kryptonian cut her short. "Lena, what you've gone through... It's a lot, you are right. I understand now why you cracked today. You were under pressure, and giving up on staying strong when you are in that position is tempting, believe me, I know. What you did was wrong, very wrong, but that doesn't mean I hate you, or that I will shut you out of my life. If anything, I want to keep you even closer to me, so I can help you when you feel tempted on giving up again."

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that." The businesswoman half-whispered back.

"I'm not, because even if the way I found out wasn't ideal, I still was able to stop you before you harmed yourself even more." The blonde affirmed, while shifting her position in the bed so she could rest next to Lena, who then turned around so they could meet face to face.

"In that case, thank you for barging in."

"You're more than welcome."

Both of them smiled at each other, taking in the seriousness of the moment. They snuggled closer for a while, letting their affection do the talking.  
It was around eight p.m. when Kara suddenly moved.

"Oh, damn" she superhero flinched.

"What?"

"I forgot the takeout at your office! You haven't eaten anything yet!"

"Sweetheart, it's okay... I'm not-"

"Do not dare say you aren't hungry in front of me. Cause that is something I definitly can't forgive." She joked, kissing her cheek. "I'm gonna make pancakes. After everything we've talked about, you deserve the blissful joy of having breakfast for dinner. You coming, or do you want to stay here? Whatever you choose is fine."

"I'll stay here for a bit... "

"Okay then." She kissed her again, this time on her mouth. "What do you want your pancakes with? Frosting, nutella, chocolate, frozen fruits?... I can even fly to Canada and get you maple syrup if that's what you want." She stood up, still looking at her girlfriend.

"I can have them...-"

"-On their own? Dry and sad? That's not fun. Try again, Luthor."

Lena laughed at her antics.

"Alright. You've got ice cream?"

"I knew I loved you for a reason."

"Idiot."

"Yes, but I'm yours." Kara turned around, walking towards the door, giving her the space and time she needed to process everything that just had happened.  
She had told her the truth.

She had given away her weaknesses, her motivations, her trauma. And yet, the Kryptonian hadn't left, hadn't judged her, simply held her through her pain and her misery.

The thought that hit her during the afternoon was back, but now instead of fearing it, she was glad to prove it right.

She had lost the game her brother had taught her. The board had indeed been closed, and the pieces were gone.

Yet, defeat had never been sweeter.


End file.
